Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Eleven-Year-Old Black Labrador Retriever Seeks New Situation

Families with small children need not apply. My name is Truman and I am taking this opportunity to advertise my desire for a new family. My family doesn't know of my intentions, so please don't tell them about this.

I am an eleven-year-old male black lab. Yes ladies, I am "intact" with a nice pair of, well you know. I can catch a frisbee, but I must admit, that my age and lack of attention from my family has hindered my ability to catch more than a few frisbees before I collapse in front of a water bowl and hyperventilate for a few minutes. Yes, I was in better shape a long time ago. My master took me for at least two walks every day, and my mistress would let me sit on the couch and they would scratch me behind my ears all the time. My master would throw the frisbee and I would catch it. I don't know why, but the sight of a frisbee would make me almost lose my mind with excitement. In the first year, they let me sleep on their bed with them, or they would at least let me get up there in the morning. But about six years ago, something changed. I noticed my mistress started to smell differently and I felt an intense urge to protect her. If I only knew what this change meant for me, I wouldn't have been so eager to protect her.

Well, she had a baby and eventually another and my life couldn't have changed more. My master still walks me, but only once a day if I am lucky. Sometimes he is too tired or lazy and just lets me out the front door and yells at me if I take too long doing my business. I don't know about you, but I have a process for going to the bathroom. I have to smell for other dogs' business and make sure they know who I am by leaving my scent, and I can't just poop because my master is yelling at me. It is either going to happen or it isn't. He makes me so mad sometimes too, because he pays so much attention to his precious babies that he forgets to let me out when I need to go. I whine and walk towards the door, but he just ignores me, so sometimes I have to be a little more obvious. I drip a little pee in front of him and continue to dribble all the way to the front door, but its hard to stop once you've started, and I'm not a puppy anymore. Then he yells at me and runs to open the door and by that time I have emptied half of my bladder so he inevitably steps in it and gets more angry with me even though it is all his fault.

I'm not even allowed in their bedroom anymore, they yell and scream about how I lick my paws and make the carpet smell. What do they expect? I am bored out of my mind, so I lick my paws. I know the sound of it drives them crazy, but I can't help it sometimes. They really get mad when I lick other places. Sometimes, I get an urge to lick my butt, and whatever is in there gives me a little high and I forget where I am for a minute. By the time I gain use of my mental faculties, they are yelling and telling me that I am gross and to get out of the room.

Nobody pays attention to me anymore. Guests come, but I get so excited at the prospect of someone petting me that I end up knocking into someone and then I get locked in the basement until they leave. The kids are okay, but they try to hug me and they don't pet me very well. And besides, they scream if my tail hits them, or heaven forbid I accidentally step on their little feet. Of course, all is blamed on me, so I just try to avoid them. I must admit that I do appreciate the little one. She must feel bad for me, because she is always "accidentally" dropping food on the floor for me. Sure, she cries if someone sees her doing it and blames me for eating her food, but I know that is just so she won't get in trouble.

I know it is disloyal of me to want to leave, but I am a good dog and I deserve more attention. In the interest of not falsely advertising my ability to type or use a computer I must admit that I cannot do either. My master's brother must be an Apple Iphone salesman or something, because he is constantly showing people all the things his Iphone can do, so I asked him to find me an App that translates dog's thoughts. He wants a labradoodle, but his wife doesn't want a dog, so I told him that I would find a poodle bitch and make some strays that he could adopt. I don't think he liked the plan, but he helped me anyway.

1 comment:

  1. Good for you Truman! You are one special dog