Okay, I stole the title from a "Dinosaur Train" episode, but there is more important business to take care of before we move on. For anyone who might be offended by a frank discussion of bodily functions, or anyone who might think me a terrible father for discussing bodily functions with my daughters, this is fair warning that you might not want to keep reading.
If you do keep reading you are also agreeing to a long and hard to read contract that I have thought up all on my own that states that you will not speak to either of my daughters about the contents of this particular entry in this blog until they are at least twenty-five years old. If you do happen to mention this blog to my girls at the age of thirteen, I reserve the right to tip off the FBI that there are terrorists living in your home that are planning to hide explosives in various internal bodily cavities. (For any government agency that might be reading this blog or covertly monitoring the keystrokes on my computer, that was a joke.)
"Daddy, why do you pee standing up?"
"Because I can."
"I wish I had a front butt like you." Front butt is her own creation.
"So I could pee standing up."
"I think it was the dog."
"It smells like your toots daddy."
"How do you know?"
"Did you toot daddy?"
"Yes, honey." And yes there was a little bit of pride.
Is there a parenting manual that says that girls can't burp or talk about farts? I know that part of parenting is teaching your children about limits and appropriate language and behavior, and that there is a right and a wrong place to talk about things, but I refuse to teach my girls to be ashamed of the things that everyone does. When there is air in your stomach, you need to burp. When there is air lower than your stomach, you need to fart, gas, toot etc... When you eat, the parts of the food that your body can't digest have to leave your body somehow--and what comes out as a result can tell you a lot about your health. Everybody burps. Everybody farts. Everybody poops, and find someone who claims to have never tried to fart and had a little bit more than air come out, and you have found a liar.
"Daddy, I pooped."
"Can you please wipe me?"
"I pooped three big poops. Are you proud of me daddy?"
"Of course sweetie." Absolutely.
"Why are they green?"